A Story of a Senator

Recently one of my fans asked me a very personal question, why am I known by the world as the "Former Senator". As a gift to the audience, and this will only happen once, I will tell a actual true story about how I came to be where I am today.
After my conversion to the Catholic Church I attended Franciscan University of Steubenville in Ohio. Upon my first week I met some very strange but interesting characters. Patrick Mansfield was to be my roommate or "dorm partner" as we fondly called each other. He was a tall handsome gentleman from New Orleans , Louisiana. He was known to be quite the lady's man and at the time of his most complete masculinity he was known to sport a mustache.
Another jolly fellow was Timothy Danahar. Though many thought him a lunatic I saw through the invisible barrier of stupidity and understood the brilliance of the knightly hero. Responsible for assembling massive numbers to join local affiliations Danahar kept a stormy reputation as a public defender of the learned and as a robust consultant for gathering troops for our many escapees.
Like all great fellowships our homely gang needed an adventure of sorts to bring ourselves to legendary fulfillment. We happened upon our great adventure on the first Friday of our friendship. A poster was presented to our eyes on one of our daily strolls through the campus. The flier said, "Calling all gentlemen and ladies, the Senate is in need of brave souls to contest the wrath of President Patrick Reis." (JP students may know him as the friend of Martin Harold who came to visit him in the 1st semester of JPCU history). Being honorable men of heart we heeded the call and formed the Triumvirate Squad of Destiny. We modeled ourselves after the great Roman Emperors giving ourselves patron names of Julius Caesar, Octavius, and Pompeii. For the sake of political liberty and the lives of the Franciscan Student Body we ran the race and waged war against our opponents.
We used a variety of methods and tactics against our opponents. And I must say that we used everything we could to our advantage, for although these other candidates had good intentions ours were more important and better. We used the simple fliers and posters, but added a touch of political humor and intellectual philosophies to win the majority vote. Such sayings as "I was born in the eighties so vote for me ladies" and "Three heads are better than one" along with some cultural references from Zoolander "Vote for the really really really ridiculously good looking guys, instead of the ugly ones." or "Hungry? Grab a Collin". These fliers won many a ballot but we had more up our sleeves. Timothy suggested a dance party for the students. We agreed and at 8am we gathered in shirt and tie for a sophisticated ballet of mojo. The sidewalk was covered with spectators on their way to classes cheering as we united our cause to the rhythm of Ice Ice Baby and Hey Yah. Many other marketing techniques were used however our greatest weapon was our friendship. The unity of this deep relationship not only bonds the individuals that take part in it but also pulses into nearby humans and animals who notice the goodness and gracious of it. And so the student body united with us and under us.
Something that worried us was that one of us would be left out, for only three could enter into the convent of the Senate and there were 9 others competing against us. We could only hope that the friendship that brought us together would actually bring us through this race together. And when the bell finally rang it tolled for us, the amigos, the trinity of Trinity dorm, the boys from the hood, the Cinderellas of Stuebenville, the Triumvirate.
Now that you know were I came from and how that title was bestowed upon me I will take my leave once again. That is how I became a senator. As I left my home of Franciscan I left with the title Former Senator as an honor bestowed on fallen warriors and brothers in arms. I hope one day everyone may know the bond between man and friend as I did in the school year of 2005-2006.

Yours truely,
Former Senator Collin Augustus Clark the III

Coconuts

Coconuts are a large nut normally found in the South African coastal caves. No one knows on what they grow, however sources have seen them falling from ceiling caverns in the coastal rock caves. Tens of hundreds of coconuts are washed ashore on islands around the world. They are then captured and shipped to grocery stores. With this wealth of knowledge before you, you may be asking the same question that I am thinking. Where do coconuts actually come from?

The key here is the crevasses in the caverns in the coastal rock caves. The coconuts fall from these crevasses creating hollow noises and grinding sounds as they hit the stone and marble cavern floors. These noises echo out of the caves hitting the ocean waters. This answers one of the biggest and largest questions of our times. Where do waves come from? They come from the echoes children, they come from the echoes of the first coconuts to ever exist ever.

Can I prove to the world where coconuts come from? No, no I can't prove anything. I can't prove coconuts fall from cracks in South African caverns, I can't prove that there are crevasses in those caverns, and I can't prove that those caverns are actually in caves. But you know what else, I can't prove that Santa Claus is real either, but that doesn't stop us from believing does it. No, it doesn't. I can put all the chips on the table and all the eggs in the basket but you still have to choose whether you want to believe or not. Now this isn't Texas Hold'm, but if it was then I'd be all in.

Sincerely,
Former Senator Collin Augustus Clark III

Lazers: Their Problems and Coolness

Lazers have been around since the early middle ages. Their first known use was by King Richard of Hungry in the Battle of Los Arroz also known as The Day of the Corn. The King was under siege by his arch rival Sir Robin the Crow, a former senator turned turn coat. Sir Robin had constructed a large turtle made of bronze and coconut shells to use as a ramming device against the southwest corner of the castle.

lazers killing people in the movie "The Day of the Corn"

For four florescently moonlight nights the besieged suffered heavy losses one of whom was his wizard Dumbaldat who fell off the front of the castle from a shockingly large smack from the giant turtle. King Richard then pulled out his wand and preformed the killing curse, Avanaka, upon the hold army of bad guys killing them all, this was the first lazerized weapon ever. Sources tell us that he buried his wizard friend in a white tomb and mermaids sang at the funeral.

But lazers didn't just appear. We all know that lazers are used safely in every household for more than a century. Without them daily life could not go on without them. That would be tough.

Micheal Barber lazering things in his theology laboratory

Although we see them everywhere in our cars, in our fish tanks (Finding Nemo), our fossil fuels, or even unnoticed in our flashlights there are still unanswered mysteries surrounding lazers. Why do they kick butt? Who isn't the best? And what are they made of? Probably the biggest question is Why people don't run away in lazer tag when they are hit by them.


Industry Corps Press is a large company dealing with a large problem. How to make people run from lazers that don't kill.

What if you were suddenly surrounded by men with lazer guns and they all started shooting you. However they are toy guns not real ones. And say while playing with the toys the toymaker (aka someone hairy( not Harry as in Harry Potter (a book I just read( I being the hairy someone) ) ) ) wanted the lazers hitting your body to intiese (In-Tie-ssss) you to run away from the lazer toys and their wielders.

Solution #1
They are real lazers that kill people!

Solution #2
They aren't harmful lazers, but they do lock up joints in the victims playsuit causeing not movement in that particular area.

Solution #3
They cause a buzzing sensation like the one Steve Marshall experienced when he was at the toy store in North Carolina and screamed like a little girl upon being buzzed at by someone hairy.

Solution #4
The lazers turn people into zombies, not just when they hit victims but also randomly turning people into zombies just because they exist.

Solution #1 and #2 are either too expensive or immoral to be any fun, because spending money is not fun and neither is killing people. Solution #4 is cool, however it would be a lot cooler if the toys were around dinosaurs.

So the obvious solution is Solution #3.

Forever,
Former Senator Collin Augustus Clark III